Thoughts from Clients

These are some of the many voices that have enriched my daily life and work. Being able to witness such moments of breakthrough for another soul is a profound privilege. Please come back and visit this page again as I will continue to update it.

I will be eternally grateful to Dr. Elena for helping me become mindful of the high level of anxiety I had been carrying with me most of my life and to find mindful ways to lower my anxiety rather than turning me towards medicine. Her loving approach and wisdom helped me experience emotional and spiritual growth after each individual session. To me, she is a very unique and special therapist who truly cares to help her client reach their potential.

Strength and wisdom opening the heart go together. They enable acceptance of oneself. You don’t feel alone because you see the beauty in life and all the wonderful things around you. You are not reaching out from this place for someone to embrace or accept you because you have done this for yourself. Courage and serenity work together–you can’t truly have serenity without both. Then you feel like you glide through life with a sense of calm within.

I am beginning to demolish years of pain, years of sorrow, years of madness, with just a glimpse of the universe folded within.

In breath relaxation, I saw a wall, and an opening in it, and a universe of beauty beyond. I go through the door but stand at the threshold, it is still difficult to go fully in.

I was shocked to realize how much I have tended to live on impulses, disregarding the quieter and deeper feelings within. I am beginning to witness in a curious spirit my automatic mode, moving from being a judge to being an explorer.

Finally, at 33, I am beginning to believe I am not that broken human being that needs to be locked up somewhere. No longer feeling down and out all the time, and not knowing why; feeling like a bad egg. Realizing I am not! The change can be uncomfortable itself, but I’m learning to see just what’s in front of me in the mirror. Not avoiding myself any more.

I feel the clarity now. A clear channel has opened through the chaos. I can see the road! Before it was a big pile of garbage. Everything was a war of stuff. Now resources are opening up, as I’m learning how to master my inner self.

I really, really want to participate now. I don’t want to be isolated any more. I don’t want to be run by fear.

Not only have a learned about myself. I have learned about my Faith. I have learned about the world. Everything is not so disconnected any more. This new awareness has brought a new sense of justice. Life is not fair but it’s fundamentally just. And I am in a fundamentally thankful and gracious place.

Living with Depression and a Mood Disorder

My thoughts guided my life because I believed every single one of them was true. My thoughts defined me and who I was never going to be. I would think myself pretty, but when I looked in the mirror, the reflection was not my own but one of bone and debris, a hollow shell which led me to believe I truly was in hell. I had been through hell and back, recreating, reliving every disappointment, every hurt, every shame vividly in bright colors and sad songs many times in my mind, in my heart and in reality . My triumphs had been buried just beyond reach.

My thoughts were chaotic, full of violence and eerily silent because of not knowing the answers to life. I was constantly reviving sadness and anger, always looking for thechance to romance and dance awkwardly with my misinterpretations of myself and others. Self respect did not exist; and fear was an ever-commanding presence.

I was told I was moody, self centered, selfish and mean. Those demeaning words had conquered my soul and led me down a path of fulfilling what everyone else perceived me to be, as I believed myself to be just and correct in my thinking that the world was out to get me . . . that I would always be just “this way”, and that’s just the way life is.
I cried and prayed for an angel to take my pain away . . . that my body aches and that sleepless nights would magically disappear, and I would find my rightful pedestal in this world . . . that I would be great like everyone else seemed to be.

I woke up one day in desperation, searching, and I screamed for anything or anyone to make the misery stop, and it did. I decided that day I was going to die . . . that I had no reason to be in this world . . . that I had no purpose to fulfill, that I was too weak to keep going. The moment I began to prepare for the inevitable . . . I got scared, really
scared. I was suddenly tormented by the thought of leaving my family and friends whom I believed drove me to that moment in the first place. I feared they would miss me . . . that my nieces and nephew would be plagued by the “Who, what, when, where, and how” of their beloved Tia passing away. I thought of my mother being crushed that her last born quit on life. Then I died. I died inside because I wasn’t even “courageous” enough to end my life . . . that I was all those things that people said, and to top it off, a “coward.” I lied on the floor and cried for what seemed like hours. Then a powerful thought overcame me that I needed help that I needed to at least try to get better, and if that didn’t work, then death to me.

So I found help. I hated and resented help. I loathed the thought of being weak and vulnerable in front of “the help.” I resisted and resented the thought of needing help. If I admitted this to myself, then it was true that I was weak, self centered, selfish and mean. It meant that I was broken, socially awkward, a misfit.

Now I’m eight months into my healing process, and the “help” is the angel I prayed, cried and screamed out for. I’m not fixed, because I am not and never was broken. I realized and admitted to myself, for the first time, that I have a mental illness and there is a soothing balm to heal it. What is that balm? It’s me. I’m harnessing my inner strength and seeking out resources. My thoughts are still there. They’re still chaotic and violent at times, BUT . . . my thoughts are not me, and I am realizing more and more every day that I can’t believe everything I think. I cannot live if I’m dying inside. So I am living and struggling daily with my illness, but there is light at the end
of the tunnel. There is one thought that I firmly believe—that I was created noble, and therefore, I have the strength and courage to tend to my life, but I can’t do it on my own. My thoughts and my illness do not define me.

 

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